Yesterday’s Love

It’s just a day within a year that shouldn’t mean anything to me anymore. Yet, it does.

Everything about that day still feels like it was just yesterday. I can close my eyes at this very moment and feel what was felt. See what everyone around me was doing. I can hear the laughter. It’s as if things are still frozen in that moment. I was the happiest girl ever that day. That was the day I knew what it felt like to fall in love for the very first time. I knew what it felt like to have time stand so perfectly still that nothing else around you seemed to matter. That was the first time I felt love on my lips, love within a hug, love by looking into their eyes.

Then somewhere along the way I misplaced myself. I blinked for a second too long and found myself in a deep dark place that I couldn’t get out of. I learned that love was like quicksand and it kept slipping through my fingers. I worked so hard to make love see how much I was willing to work to make things last. I wanted it so bad that when I finally caught its attention, love looked the other way. I was broken into a million little pieces and I was sent into a dark corner of the cave where I found refuge. Someone took me in and temporarily bandaged the wounds. I lost love at that very moment even though love was already gone. Love wasn’t easy and I knew that. So I fought and continued to fight to get that love back… but love stopped caring and eventually love turned into hate. Now love is a lump in my throat that makes it hard to swallow. Love is a knot deep within my stomach. Love has shattered my heart.

Tomorrow is just a day within a year to most. But for me…tomorrow is day within a year that reminds me of what love really felt like…and I how I failed to keep it in my hands.

J. Phae

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Forgiveness.

I have thought about the day that all things went wrong many times. Each time I relive those last moments of us….Β I come out with a different emotion. You see, when it all first happened…I was heartbroken. Then when I stepped back and reanalyzed everything…I simply hated you and could not believe things had gotten so bad. I let months pass and I felt hope. Hope, that I could try and make things better but every time I tried I had seemed to fail. Then I told myself to keep pushing because you fight for the things you love the most and so I did. But when you told me all these heartless things, it was then that I felt anger. I was mad because I had did everything I could and I had tried for so long that nothing seemed to change your mind. And one day I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I just let it go. I let the tears fall and it was then that I felt relief. I was relieved because it truly showed me what I did not deserve any of the things I had gone through. It was the true blessing in disguise that told me I deserved so much more. That I deserved to be loved and fought for. I let you take away months and years of my life. I gave you the satisfaction of watching me beg for you to come back. I should have had more dignity for myself. Fortunately, everything I went though taught me to finally forgive people like you. Forgive sadness, anger, hatred, hope, faith, and myself. I know how to forgive now. And one day…you might too.

 

J.Phae

No More Puppets

img_6995My entire life I’ve made decisions based off of making others happy but the older I get the more I realize that I’m doing it all wrong. I have given up a lot of things, I have cried a billion tears, I have fought a thousand different battles, I have let people pick my future, and I have caused so much stress on my mind and body that I am finally over it. So I have cut my own strings from this so called puppet life. I’m ready to walk alone and ignore what everyone else says and do what’s best for myself and my life not what’s best for everyone else. My journey may not be easy and I may cry, fight more battles, cause some stress but I will be happy in the end. I have one shot to get my life right. It is my life!

J. Phae